I was definitely and I mean definitely getting this child into her bed. Hell yeh. Her own bed no less.... Epic fail.
She's next to me every night and the one night I rolled her over into her co-sleeping cot I rolled her back because I felt lost.
Yes I did just say co-sleeping cot. Only cost £250. Money well spent to get the comfort of having baby close but still independent of you. It just attaches to the adult bed and everyone sleeps alone but together and happy.
Only they don't.
Munchkin is far happier nestled into my arms, chin on booby, poised to feed whenever the urge arises- I don't even know what happens on my chest after dark anymore. It just happens.
The cot now just basically acts as a buffer to prevent baby falling out of bed. A £250 buffer!! I could've got a plastic bed rail and a Radley handbag and still had change with that!
Then there's the feeding thing. 'I am only feeding her for the first couple of weeks, then I'm reclaiming my body back'
Yeh ok, whatever you say, 4.5 months later she's got more suction than a Dyson at a dust party.. She's onto a good thing and my inner 'do as little as possible to have an easy life' has released itself and I'm still letting her.
Besides, reclaim my body!! This isn't my body!
Spongey tummy refuses to turn into anything resembling a 6 pack.! Hell I'd settle for a 6 pack of quavers rather than what I've got.
Boobs would be great, if they didn't keep inflating and deflating at will throughout the day. Softer than marshmallows one minute then harder than monk in a convent the next.
Hips are wider than a hippos arse and while we are talking about arses... Well, have you seen those jeans that 'rude boys' wear with the seat of the jeans roughly around the back of their knees? That's pretty much where my actual arse is these days. I thus attempted the 50 day squat challenge and this is what it looked like:
Day 1: 4 squats (it's a start)
Day 2-50: zero squats - (cake happened)
Then we had the 'no snacks and sweets' crap I once heard myself say. Yes this came from the queen of sweetsville herself.! Well the other 2 tikes generally spend most days in a pre diabetic stupor because it keeps them from causing havoc in the community..
Oh what am I on, what I mean is, it keeps me from looking like I have no mum powers, I allow full access to the snack cupboard because It gives me leverage to whisper using my angry witch voice in public that if they don't behave and/or shut up, they won't get a single sweet or piece of chocolate when we get home. Generally, the threat works, sorry I meant the incentive.
I should write a book on parenting. Filed under the 'who the hell let her leave hospital with those small people?' section.
I did think that once, can't remember which kid it was with, but I actually got home and said out loud 'omg, I can't believe they've let me out alone with this thing. What do I do with it.' I'm hoping it was with the first child because if I said it with any of the subsequents, well it screams incompetence at you doesn't it?!
The fact is, none of them follow suit, none of them came with a guidebook which I resent to this day, none of them have an on/off switch, (resent that too), none of them read the text books I tried to read to brush up on my parenting schizzle, none of them give a crap about my super nanny will come to live with you if you don't stop that now threats either because she's never turned up, now they think I'm foolish and have weird fantasies about some make believe nanny..
So I'll just hide in this corner over here and hope that it all works itself out. They can't be this unruly for many more years can they?!
I'll continue to browse the parenting section at Waterstones like a responsible parent, even though while i do this, the 3 year old is ripping the pop up dinosaurs out of a picture book, the baby is screaming to escape out of the pram and the 7 year old is attempting to shove as many free bookmarks as she can into my bag.
I'll carry on drinking wine at night once the little darlings are all tucked up in bed because it prevents me from rocking on the floor in my specially fitted sleeveless white jacket while nurse removes all the sharp things from the room.
I'll ensure I have a stock of bribes and treats in my bag for the day to follow so that I can control the little scoundrels. You can tut with the other lentil eaters (see below)
I'll try to avoid looking longingly at parents with 'good kids' like darling Petunia eating her lentils and making an origami giraffe at toddler group.
And I'll stick the parenting book back on the bookshelf for the health visitor to admire while I stick my feet up and read "sex stories from the office" in Cosmo..
Tomorrow is a new day, I have a whole 10 hours with no kids, shame I'm asleep for 9 of them.!
